


borderline dead inside

by Milkynubs



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Ableist Language, Angst, Borderline Personality Disorder, Break Up, Cussing, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 11:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8101291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milkynubs/pseuds/Milkynubs
Summary: Sans says something that's not easily taken back, and you're determined to make him feel as lonely and betrayed as he made you feel.In other words, BPD is a bitch and I'm venting about it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> so instead of working on the multiple unfinished fics i have im thinking up like 30 ideas for oneshots lmaooo
> 
> anyway this is based on some fics i saw where sans was ableist and it triggered a breakup or an almost-breakup (a chapter in Bones and Drabbles by KateMcHughGorman and some chapters of the sequel to A Tale of Dog and Monster by Voice_of_Mischief) and I loved them but couldn't help but feel bothered since my BPD ass wouldn't forgive something like that; even if I got back together with someone who said it, it'd always be in my head. plus i wanted to write a bpd perspective.
> 
> reader doesn't really *have* to have bpd but im heavily implying bpd symptoms
> 
> (also if it seems overdramatic keep in mind i wrote this with the idea that the two were together a long time and very close and in love)

If he really loved you, he wouldn't even be able to be so cruel.

You've told him, time and time again, that you're not normal. You told him how your brain works and you thought he understood, but he's just like everyone else: tolerant until they have to “deal with” you themselves.

“Sans,” you said after his confession, “I can't have normal relationships. All this therapy and all these medications doesn't just make everything go away. I'm difficult.”

“you're not difficult,” he assured you. “you're just different, so what? i like that about you.”

Empty words.

You are difficult, you know this, because despite years of therapy, years of changing yourself for the sake of others, years of forcing yourself to be “likable”, you still weren't good enough for any of your exes. Not even for some of your friends.

You're “too jealous”, and “crazy”, and “no fun” because you “hate people” and “don't try”.

“Don't try”. If only they fucking knew.

You thought he was different. He has depression, he's interested in psychology, he's a _monster_ and not a human, so maybe he would understand! But no, he's just like everyone else.

And on one day you spent together where apparently his patience had run thin and you had one of your episodes, he used it against you.

Among the words: jealous, insane, stupid, childish, "you don't even try to 'get over it'".

If he thought he could get away with talking to you like that, he had another fuckin' thing coming.

He seemed to know he fucked up when your mouth wobbled and a watery sniffle escaped you, but even if he already learned his lesson, it wasn't enough, and you don't have to live with a lying asshole. You yelled at him, it was all you could do, “I trusted you,” “You're a liar,” “I thought you loved me,” and he tried to protest but his words were drowned out by the intense emotions that didn't let you think.

You moved out.

He still tries to call you, and text you, and message you, and even knock on your door sometimes, even a month afterward, but you're stubborn. Ridiculously so.

It's part of what makes you so “crazy”.

But even though you won't let yourself go back, you find yourself staring at his texts and listening to his voice mails whenever you feel lonely, which is often when you're socially inept and living on your own.

You miss him.

You miss the person who tore your heart apart and ruined your ability to trust.

You hate it, and you hate yourself.

* * *

If he wasn't so hopeful, he would be dust by now.

He used to have only one HP, but it rose over the course of your relationship; his life wasn't repeating anymore, and he could be in love in peace.

He was so used to resets that he had forgotten that life makes you deal with your own mistakes.

The only thing keeping him together now is that he _knows_ you, and he knows that despite how unforgivable it was for him to say those things, you need him…

No, no, you don't _need_ him. You're remarkably strong, functioning like a “normal” person despite your setbacks, but he can make life a little _easier_ for you, and make you feel "normal".

That's what he thought, anyway. It seems he just made your life a lot harder. Maybe you won't come back after all, then…?

You replied to some of his texts. You had to, because he was once your best friend, and now that he's “gone”, you have no outlets, since you don't feel comfortable venting to anyone else.

“I won't be able to trust anyone anymore,” you said. “I hate you so much. Fuck you.”

You said a lot more besides that, too, with several more “I hate you”s and “fuck you”s, but those are the words that keep replaying in his head.

He screwed up so monumentally.

“If you really loved me, you'd treat me like family, like Papyrus. You only get mad at him when he puts himself in danger, and you got mad at me when I just annoyed you.”

“that's not true,” he said. “i was having a bad day and i've yelled at papyrus on bad days, please try to understand? i love you and i want to understand you, i want to change.”

But you stopped responding.

"please let me try."

Message read, no response.

Papyrus tried to talk to you for him, but you firmly (but politely) requested that Papyrus don't pressure you into something you don't want to do, and Papyrus felt so guilty about it he cried all day.

Undyne tried, but when you told her how you felt, she quickly understood and respected your decision. "what did they say?" "Yeah, they don't really wanna see you ever again." Both you and her are pretty passionate about justice, after all.

Toriel looked at him sternly when he asked for her help and told him he needs to fix his own relationship. Probably a bad idea to ask the woman who left her husband and never forgave him; when he asked for reference what could make her forgive Asgore, she said "nothing." Made him pretty scared of ending up like Asgore.

Alphys tried, and while you were more comfortable with her, you still apparently felt threatened that people were trying to convince you to return to the person that hurt you. Alphys could empathize and backed off.

“G-give it time,” Alphys advised him. “They need to h-heal, I think.”

He was waiting, but every day felt more and more hopeless.

He hates it, and he hates himself.

**Author's Note:**

> not great but i wanted to post *something*
> 
> might write a make-up (sex) sequel but don't count on it :^P
> 
> p.s. apparently the title is a song lyric but i've never heard the song sorry if that disappoints anyone who saw the title and got excited


End file.
